Sharing Experiences of Life

People come to you with a problem, expect support and advice, they listen to you, go back seemingly satisfied, then they do what they originally wanted to at the first place, they forget all the advices and concerns you put forth and move on. You tell them that their decision was not smart to go against your suggestions. Sometime down the line they come back to you to tell that they didn't take your advice in a good way and now they are suffering.

Now this generally looks like an example of people doing most of the thing wrong and suffering because of that. The problem is it isn't. We are the one who is wrong. How, I will share in my comments below.

Now the ‘HOW ARE WE WRONG’ Part I – Change of Roles:

Re-analyze what all happened from the start, just make a small change, put yourself in the place of that person who had a problem and was seeking help.
Things change so rapidly now. I have a problem, I need help, I do. Why do I need help? Because I am unable to cope with the challenges that problem has put forth to me, because my methods of tackling the problem have failed or fell flat. I am afraid of the problem, I am afraid because I am aware of the consequences of not answering the questions raised by the problem.

I lack confidence to decide among the possible solutions that I have been pondering over. I am kind in kind of two minds. I seek help to decide what path I should choose. All's well now that I have thought who can help me. It’s my friend. Let’s call him Mr. Friend.

Mr. Friend is my go-to man. My Friend who I think understands me well enough for me to trust him with my problem and expect a solution. When I approach Mr. Friend, I want him to listen. I start telling the problem and as soon as my problems are heard, Mr. Friend starts telling where I did wrong, where I faltered, where I took a wrong decision... but wait... Hey, Hey Mr. Friend... I am not done with my problem yet... Are you listening...? Come on, I want you to listen to me and understand my problem as well as I do. I want you to feel every part of it. You are already running fast on to conclusions. How will you help me this way...? Some faith over Mr. Friend goes.

Problem discussion ends, Mr. Friend comes up with possible solutions list, Try A, B, C, D, E. This works, this can, this may, this probably not.... and so forth. Excuse me, I say, I had concerns on which path I should chose - 1 or 2, and now you have given me 5 more issues with 5 more paths to choose from. My problems have increased. Mr. Friend is speechless.

I go back. I always had a decision in my mind. I favored that decision more compared to the other one I had thought of. Mr. Friend didn't hear my problem, couldn't understand me completely, and can’t help me. I am dismissive of Mr. Friend's helping capabilities now. I will go ahead with my original discussion. I only wanted Mr. Friend to listen to me, I realize. I never wanted an advice from Mr. Friend. I just wanted support, perhaps someone to listen, not to help; just listen. And just that would have been fine.

Now somewhere down the line I realize again that my decision wasn’t so good after all, as it was fueled by heart and not brain. I remember the 4-5 options put forth by Mr. Friend; I go back and say, I made a wrong decision. But I don’t say that choosing his options would have been good. Who knows? I took a wrong decision, but it was completely mine. No one else's. I never needed an opinion in the first place. Not to be rude after realization of this fact, I acknowledge the help Mr. Friend came up with during that time. So I am sorry.

‘HOW ARE WERE WE WRONG’ Part II – Roles Reversed:

Roles reversed, I am Mr. Friend now, the problem solver, and the Problem seeker is the one who came to me at the very start, say Mr. X. Now I know where I was wrong. I was more focused on solving a problem than listening to my friend. I was more focused on trying to prove that I am the one who can help my friend out from this situation and that I am the correct choice for her to come ask help from. I realize, I was wrong, not in my solutions offered, but in my way of going about the whole situation. I failed to understand the underlying pain my friend wanted to share with me. Mr. X comes over and says sorry to me, I feel speechless, yet again.